Diets Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

I’m a big guy, I’m cool with it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be healthy. I try to stay active and eat well, as often as I can. Due to my incredibly slow metabolism or whatever, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. In that time, I have tried an endless number of fad diets and every other dietary system out there. Being 35 years-old, I think I’ve followed that cycle long enough to see the trends and results and can pretty much conclude that all these fad diets are bullshit.

I’m not going to sit here and argue against the “science” of any of these diets because for every study that says one thing, you can always find one that states the opposite. Studies are also bullshit but maybe I’ll write a separate article about that in the future.

Losing weight isn’t easy. Well, in theory it should be. Of course, if you follow most of these fad diets to a tee, you’ll probably see results but whatever the system or method is that you’re using, there is most assuredly a catch involved.

I’m sorry Dr. Atkins and your followers but your “no carb” madness is bullshit and those of you dining on bacon all day and night are going to run into some serious problems. You think at this point, that it would pretty much be common sense but people still take this diet to the nth degree: believing such dietary behavior to be a magic fix all. There is a truth to low carb/high protein diets that people need to realize. While they work for weight loss, they are harmful to your health and can be dangerous.

The crazy juicers out there have really fucked themselves. Essentially, you have to juice forever or switch over to a micronutrient diet every now and again, which allows you some solid food. Sorry, but this shit is torture and I’d rather eat responsibly than suck a tree’s dick for the rest of my life. Juicing is gross and disgusting. Plus you can’t tell me that you are taking in all of the plant when 75 percent of it is being spit out of your juicer’s ass like some sort of swamp cole slaw. Unless you are a Buddhist monk trying to prove a political point, fasting is stupid.

Don’t even get me started on “The Master Cleanse” a.k.a. the lemonade diet.

The South Beach Diet just pisses me off by the name alone, as Miami is just a shit hole of a place obsessed with stupid trends. Why would I follow their diet fad? Plus I ate one of their microwave meals one time because I was hungover at some dumb girl’s house. The meal was the worse thing I’ve ever tasted after liquid kale.

The raw food diet? I don’t get it. Vegetables and fruit are good raw but don’t ever show up at my house with a raw key lime pie made out of avocado. That shit isn’t even cute, it is an abomination and the worst idea anyone has ever had. Raw milk? Why don’t you just go to the source and suck it out of a cow’s titty?

The paleo diet, also called the caveman diet and other things, is seemingly the most plausible in my opinion. However eating what cavemen or our ancestors from the Paleolithic era ate, is damned near impossible because despite what all these books tell you, different people from different regions had access to different things. Also, there is no real way of knowing exactly what made up the diets of all these specific cultures. We have some good knowledge on it but it isn’t complete. For fuck’s sake, this was like millions of years ago. There is a reason why it is referred to as “prehistory”. Paleo practitioners eat a lot of meat and vegetables (but they’re picky as to which ones) and they stay away from grains and white potatoes. Well, there is evidence suggesting that Paleolithic people ate white potatoes and grains, so there goes that dietary theory. Paleolithic motherfuckers also ate grubs and insects. So are you going to bacon-wrap some cockroaches?

For the record, out of all the things I’ve tried, I did like the paleo diet the most, I felt the best on it compared to other diets and I lost weight at a decent rate. However, I am a sucker for meat, so I made it work.

The truth is much easier than these fad diets want you to believe. All one really has to do is use common sense and eat sensibly. You should know what is good and bad for you and if you don’t, educate yourself and quit relying on dietary quacks trying to sell their program. And that’s the thing, stop believing what every snake oil salesman is trying to sell you and do a fucking Google search to read the criticism of the product you want to rush out and buy. If it sounds to good to be true, it is.

The most successful diet I have ever been on is no diet. Knowing what is good and what is bad and eating appropriately with portion control, has led to me losing weight the quickest and most healthily. Also, one has to add exercise because to burn calories, you have to do something other than sitting on your ass watching “America’s Got Talent” or playing “Angry Birds 17”. Your body needs to work and move, which is something else that should be common sense.

And don’t be dismayed, you can still eat those things you want to eat, you just have to learn what the word “moderation” means. Yes, I eat some bad shit but I don’t eat it all the time. I post recipes for glorious high calorie treats but I have that stuff once in a blue moon. I still eat red meat, chicken, bacon, fish and the occasional Snickers bar or pint of ice cream. The fact that I don’t do it on a daily basis, makes those things much more enjoyable when I do treat myself.

Just don’t be a dumbass and don’t be some fool forking over cash for the next miracle diet book or program or $1,400 megajuicer. It’s all bullshit. If you want to know more, as to why these fad diets are crap, read some of the stuff Rational Wiki has to say about them and do further research. Know your sources and don’t take information at face value. If someone says, “studies show…” you need to run.