Retro Relapse: The Princess Syndrome

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

To all you princesses out there, this one’s for you!

You know who you are; the girl whose daddy always called her “princess” and bought her princessy shit for her room. The one who thought all those Disney movies were a primer on love and who thought that Prince Charming was the first guy you fucked. You roll with those other princesses, all perpetuating the same bullshit because those Prince Charmings who turned out to be Prince Douches must’ve just been under some evil witch’s spell. You can’t be the problem! No, not at all! You have “princess” bumper stickers all over your 2003 Kia Sephia and you wear shirts stating your royal status! It’s only a matter of time before a Prince Charming not under an evil enchantment sees all your princess shit and swoops in on his white horse to save you from the mediocrity that is your dull an boring royal lifestyle.

Of course reality is something much different than the bullshit fantasy you keep selling yourself, despite it being a cycle of repeated failure. It doesn’t mean that you don’t keep trying so hard though. The fairytale eludes you but if you have faith in it, you will get to that magic life you’ve always dreamed of. Your girlfriends pick you up, dust you off and continue to enable you, as you do for them. Yet it has never occurred to any of you that there can only be one or two princesses in the kingdom. You can’t all be “her royal highness”. Besides, if all of you are a princess, why is being a princess even special? It’s not and that’s the point.

You’re all one in the same striving for the same thing. With that being said, how can you stand out from the pack and be noticed? What makes you so special when you are just one princess in a sea of princesses? Truthfully, what makes you think a man even gives a fuck?

When I am confronted by a girl or a group of girls that exude this princess mentality, I run the other way. Not because I am intimidated by “royalty” but because I am annoyed by the stupidity of the world that they exist in. It’s the same reason that I walk away from dude bros at the bar who keep flexing and acting like they’re fucking Braveheart. You people are trying too hard and you need to chill because you’re acting like a piece of shit that can only attract other pieces of shit.

Ladies, just because your father and clam shell Disney VHS tapes filled your head with some bullshit, doesn’t mean that you have to project your fantasy on the rest of the world. Every girl who didn’t have an absentee father was “daddy’s little girl” at some point. Well guess what, there are billions of you in the world.

It amazes me though, how far some girls will go with this princess mentality. Not a weekend goes by that I don’t run into some girl celebrating her 32nd birthday, out in some shit bar, wearing a fucking tiara and a “Birthday Girl” sash over her princess gown like she just won some middle-aged average girl beauty contest. What’s wrong with you? I mean, really? I don’t recall Cinderella clutching the bar, puking up Jägerbombs all over her friends. And for fuck’s sake, by 32, you should be drinking adult beverages.

Let me further elaborate why your princess mentality is not going to get you a quality beau.

Real men, unlike the boys you typically get dicked up by, aren’t going to put up with your royal attitude. We aren’t going to deal with you being a stubborn bitch with a penchant for hissy fits. We aren’t going to see you as actual royalty… ever. You are not cheap or cost effective and even if you believe you are, you’ll still be a royal pain (pun intended) because nothing we do will impress you. Additionally, any woman who believes herself to be a princess is an idiot and not even worth attempting to have a real conversation with; real men don’t exist in fantasy.

It goes much deeper than that however, as chicks suffering from this Princess Syndrome are usually just awful people. You prefer men without a spine who will bow to your bullshit and kiss your ass. You are prone to cheating because when your spineless and nutless lapdog isn’t around, your royal vagina secretly yearns for the seed of a more masculine suitor. Unfortunately, this continues your cycle of Prince Charming revealing himself to be Prince Douche.

You are typically vindictive by nature and embrace your bitchiness like it is some badass hardcore badge of honor because you think you’re entitled to have such an attitude. You are not trustworthy and are probably always at odds with your “besties”. You certainly don’t know what “love” is, even if you think you feel it. What you feel is not real because your whole existence is built up on some Disney lie. Your life is an illusion. You’re shallow and empty and truthfully, no one wants to get to know you because there isn’t an actual person there to get to know. Stop being a fucking toddler.

This doesn’t mean that real men won’t approach you. We just won’t stick around when we come to know that we’ve got some princess in our midst. Maybe some of those failed Prince Charmings were decent guys but they bolted because you suck. That doesn’t make them all douches or assholes, it makes you the douche and the asshole. Furthermore, the real douchebags out there, who quickly see the game you’re playing, view you as easy pickings because they know that you are an emotionally vacant and distraught human being. There have been times where I’ve been drunk at a bar or a party and said to myself, “Fuck it, I’m horny and this will be a cakewalk.” It was.

There is no benefit to acting like a princess. You paint yourself out to be an annoying piece of shit and you’re just doing what a dozen other annoying piece of shits in that same bar are doing. You’re not unique, original and certainly not special. You are cookie cutter at best and frankly, the cookie is stale.

Shit to think about, princess.