Film Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Also known as: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Origin (working title)
Release Date: October 5th, 2006 (Taiwan)
Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Written by: Sheldon Turner, David J. Schow
Based on: The Texas Chain Saw Massacreby Kim Henkel, Tobe Hooper
Music by: Steve Jabolonsky
Cast: Jordana Brewster, Taylor Handley, Diora Baird, Matt Bomer, Lee Tergesen, R. Lee Ermey, Andrew Bryniarski, Lew Temple

Next Entertainment, Platinum Dunes, New Line Cinema, 91 Minutes

Review:

“People may not remember what we say here tonight, but by God they’ll remember what we did.” – Sheriff Hoyt

For Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, I think the two original remakes are both pretty decent, this one being the second of the two, albeit a prequel to the first. The second attempt at a reboot was definitely worse and I’ll probably review those two movies at a later date.

I don’t like this one as much as the 2003 film with Jessica Biel but I do think that the writing, as far as telling the origin story of the killer family, was pretty damn solid and creative.

I’m not sure how much they thought about the family’s backstory in the 2003 movie but this one does interesting things in showing how the patriarch became Sheriff, how the uncle lost his legs, how the Sheriff lost his teeth and some other cool things that called back to details in the previous film that otherwise seemed unimportant. I love when writers do stuff like this, especially when having to add to the mythos that a different writer established.

Beyond that, everything else in this is incredibly derivative and there’s nothing here that you haven’t seen before and done better.

I did like Jordana Brewster and this was the only thing I knew her from other than the first Fast & Furious movie. In the years since, I’ve seen her in a lot and I really, really liked her on the Lethal Weapon television series.

Like the previous movie, I loved R. Lee Ermey in this one too. Man, he’s just such a good psycho asshole. He really ups the ante in this one, especially in regards to becoming the Sheriff.

The thing that was really working against this movie from the beginning, though, was that you knew no one could survive because it was a prequel. So the twist ending, where they want you to think the “final” girl escapes, wasn’t shocking at all. Also, it didn’t make sense unless Leatherface has the power of teleportation.

I understand why they made this movie; the 2003 remake was really successful. But honestly, this chapter didn’t really need to exist. I’m glad that they made the most out of the origin story stuff but beyond that, there’s just not much here. Still, it’s probably one of the better Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies because most of them are all just the same.

Rating: 5.5/10

Film Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Release Date: October 15th, 2003 (Hollywood premiere)
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Written by: Scott Kosar
Based on: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre by Kim Henkel, Tobe Hooper
Music by: Steve Jablonsky
Cast: Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel, Eric Balfour, R. Lee Ermey, Andrew Bryniarski, David Dorfman, John Larroquette (narrator)

Radar Pictures, Focus Features, New Line Cinema, 98 Minutes

Review:

“Excuse me, you mind getting the fuck outta my way, son?” – Sheriff Hoyt

Very few horror franchise reboots are good. This is one of the few that are and because of that, it kind of started a trend where a new generation of filmmakers, inspired by the old, started trying to resurrect the most iconic horror franchises of their youth.

I know many people that actually prefer this movie to the original. I don’t but I also don’t think that those people are insane, either. I think there actually is an argument to be made about it and it’s one of my favorite horror debates to listen to between people that actually know and are passionate about these movies.

I think that in 2003, I would’ve rated this much higher. Seeing it 18 years later, I do find some of the dialogue to be a bit cringe and poorly written. I also find some of the director’s choices in how he shoots certain sequences to be a bit weak and trope-riddled.

The biggest highlight of the film for me was Jessica Biel and not just because she looked fucking magnificent but because she really dived into this and gave a convincing performance. So much so, in fact, that I hadn’t seen a “final girl” this good in a decade or more at the time that this came out. Honestly, I think in that regard, she actually exceeds the vast majority of “final girls” in horror. Granted, it’d be hard to put anyone in front of Jamie Lee Curtis or Heather Langenkamp.

I also immensely enjoyed R. Lee Ermey in this, as the town sheriff who is actually a part of the killer family and directly related to this franchise’s top monster, Leatherface.

Ermey gave a performance on the same level as his best work. He committed to this role so greatly that you really want to see him get what he deserves in the end. When he does, it’s beyond fucking satisfying. Without Ermey and Biel, this would’ve probably just been a standard, cookie cutter, forgettable slasher flick.

Now the rest of the cast is pretty bad and it kind of bogs the film down in the scenes where it focuses on them. In fact, the stuff in the van at the beginning was pretty awful and it almost wrecked Jessica Biel but luckily, they didn’t stick to that too long and the horror started almost from the get go.

This is also plagued by the cinematic style of the time, which I didn’t like back then and still don’t like now. It’s nothing I’ve started to feel nostalgic for as time passes. What I’m referring to specifically is the overuse of color filters, which makes all films look unrealistic and like a music video. This may have started with David Fincher in Alien 3 but it’s something that would be used to death in just about every “hip” film of the mid-’90s to mid-’00s from Fincher’s other movies, The Matrix films, nearly all horror that wasn’t Scream, as well as action flicks and crime movies. It’s not such a big deal when used sparingly but it’s not here. The film is either unnaturally bronze or bluish green in every scene.

Still, the positives outweigh the negatives and this is a movie carried by two solid performances and a version of Leatherface that is the scariest of them all.

Rating: 6.25/10

Film Review: Fletch Lives (1989)

Also known as: Fletch Saved (working title)
Release Date: March 17th, 1989
Directed by: Michael Ritchie
Written by: Leon Capetanos
Music by: Harold Faltermeyer
Cast: Chevy Chase, Hal Holbrook, Julianne Phillips, R. Lee Ermey, Richard Libertini, Cleavon Little, Randall “Tex” Cobb, George Wyner, Geoffrey Lewis, Richard Belzer, Phil Hartman

Cornelius Productions, Vincent Pictures, Universal Pictures, 95 Minutes

Review:

“It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. I am not a big man.” – Fletch

I was surprised that I liked this film as much as I did.

The reason being, I remember people trashing it pretty heavily when it came out. While I used to see pieces of it on television over the years, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it in its entirety in one viewing. But people did always say that this was a pretty shitty sequel and not on the level of the original.

Well, it’s not as good as Fletch but Fletch Lives is still a pretty funny movie that’s tailormade for Chevy Chase’s strengths. So while I have a much higher opinion of this movie than the majority, I feel like maybe I should defend it, as I feel like it probably deserves that.

I think that the new setting of the film actually helps it and makes it fresh. I liked seeing Fletch go to the bayou to expose some seedy shit. I also liked how they used it to emphasize the cultural clash between an L.A. investigative reporter and the Cajun folk, ranging from the good Southerners to the outright racist pieces of shit. I also loved the televangelical angle and R. Lee Ermey’s role as the megachurch pastor.

Beyond Ermey, I also enjoyed the great Hal Holbrook playing a crooked Cajun millionaire.

Additionally, I liked the chemistry between Chase and the film’s leading lady, Julianne Phillips.

Chase also had solid camaraderie with Cleavon Little. Seeing those two comedic icons come together is a real treat regardless of the perceived quality of the film.

This installment of the series relies more on Chase wearing funny costumes while “undercover”. I really like these sequences, though, and I like seeing Chase play odd characters.

Overall, Fletch Lives is pretty solid and I say that as a guy who was never a big Chase fan. However, I do really enjoy him as this character and I honestly think it’s his best.

Sadly, we never did get that third Fletch picture and I’m pretty sure the ship has sailed on that.

Rating: 7.25/10

Film Review: Se7en (1995)

Also known as: Seven (alternative spelling), The Seven Deadly Sins (working title)
Release Date: September 15th, 1995 (New York City premiere)
Directed by: David Fincher
Written by: Andrew Kevin Walker
Music by: Howard Shore
Cast: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey, John C. McGinley, R. Lee Ermey, Richard Roundtree, Richard Schiff, Mark Boone Junior, Michael Massee, Leland Orser, Hawthorne James, Reg E. Cathey, Charles S. Dutton (uncredited)

Cecchi Gori Pictures, Juno Pix, New Line Cinema, 127 Minutes

Review:

“Wanting people to listen, you can’t just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you’ll notice you’ve got their strict attention.” – John Doe

I was blown away by this movie when I first saw it, back in the ’90s. I would watch it pretty regularly for about ten years. However, it’s been at least a decade since I’ve seen it and even though I knew I loved it, I somehow underestimated it and forgot how great it actually is.

Fincher made a solid trio of movies in a row in the mid-to-late ’90s between this, The Game and what I consider his magnum opus, Fight Club. Being that I still hadn’t reviewed these films, I figured I’d start with the first.

Fincher had a very distinct look with his movies and while it might not appear distinct and unique nowadays, that’s because a lot of less capable directors came in and stole his aesthetic. But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say. I would also add that theft is the weakest form of creativity but if you’re going to steal, steal from the greats.

While I’m not a massive Fincher fan, his later ’90s work is pretty fucking exceptional.

Se7en is well acted, well directed, looks incredible and features a story so dark, fucked up and mesmerizing that it’s hard to turn away from the screen, even if you’ve seen the movie a dozen times.

This motion picture is the result of having all the right people from top-to-bottom, behind and in front of the camera. As far as the actors go, they all played their parts perfectly. They felt like real people in a real situation. The relationships between the characters come across as genuine. I loved that the new partners were at odds with one another but knew they had a job to do in spite of their personal issues and differences in their approach to police work and their philosophies on the universe and our place in it.

The score by Howard Shore is one of the composer’s best and when you really look at his body of work, this included, he’s such a versatile composer that it’s sometimes hard to tell that you’re listening to his music. It’s always good but it never takes over a film and just blends in with it, accenting it in a great way.

Additionally, the songs used throughout the film are great, especially the tracks that were used by David Bowie and Nine Inch Nails, as they both fit absolutely perfectly within this picture’s atmosphere.

There’s nothing bad I can really say about this film. My only really gripe is that I’m not a huge fan of the ending. But I’m a traditionalist that doesn’t want the bad guy to win. While he meets his demise, his plan is executed to perfection and while I knew that Brad Pitt’s character was flawed by his emotions and idealism, there’s still that part of me that wishes he would’ve been stronger. Granted, I’ve never had my wife’s head put into a box. Also, this came out in the edge lord ’90s.

Rating: 9.5/10
Pairs well with: David Fincher’s other ’90s films not named Alien 3.

Film Review: X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Also known as: X-Men 3, X-Men 3: The Last Stand (working titles), X3, X III: The Last Stand (alternative titles)
Release Date: May 22nd, 2006 (Cannes)
Directed by: Brett Ratner
Written by: Simon Kinberg, Zak Penn
Based on: X-Men by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby
Music by: John Powell
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen, Anna Paquin, Kelsey Grammer, James Marsden, Rebecca Romijn, Shawn Ashmore, Aaron Stanford, Vinnie Jones, Patrick Stewart, Ben Foster, Ellen Page, Dania Ramirez, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Bill Duke, Daniel Cudmore, Eric Dane, R. Lee Ermey, Ken Leung

The Donners’ Company, Marvel Enterprises, Twentieth Century Fox, 104 Minutes

Review:

“Charles Xavier did more for mutants than you will ever know. My single greatest regret is that he had to die for our dream to live.” – Magneto

From memory, this was the worst X-Men film of the lot. Well, after about a dozen movies with spinoffs and whatnot, this one still takes the cake in that regard.

This really killed the film franchise, at least for its time. It wouldn’t bounce back until First Class rolled around and gave the series a bit of a soft reboot.

Here, we see the original trilogy of films come to an end and unfortunately, that end is a very unsatisfactory one. Granted, none of these films have aged particularly well and they actually feel quite dated now.

That’s not to say that some of the performances aren’t great or iconic, a few of them are. Specifically, Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. This is probably also why they tried to find ways to include these guys in the X-Men films that followed during the reboot era.

The plot for this is pretty fucking atrocious and the film spends more time killing off beloved characters than trying to tell a good story. It’s like it went for shock and cheap emotional grabs but it failed in generating any real emotion because it all felt soulless and cheap.

I think the biggest issue with the film was that Bryan Singer left to make that big bust, Superman Returns. While Brett Ratner probably wasn’t a bad choice, the final product makes me feel like he was sort of just inserted into a movie that was already well into production and found himself in over his head.

The film is also pretty short when compared to the two chapter before it. It makes me wonder if a lot was left out of the final movie. It certainly feels like it’s lacking story, context and depth.

In the end, this is okay if you want to spend a little more time with these characters and if you turn your brain off, it has some neat moments, but overall, it’s a sloppy misfire.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: the other films in the original X-Men trilogy.

Film Review: Willard (2003)

Release Date: March 14th, 2003
Directed by: Glen Morgan
Written by: Glen Morgan
Based on: Ratman’s Notebooks by Stephen Gilbert, Willard by Gilbert Ralston
Music by: Shirley Walker
Cast: Crispin Glover, R. Lee Ermey, Laura Elena Harring, Jackie Burroughs, Kimberly Patton

Hard Eight Pictures, New Line Cinema, 100 Minutes

Review:

“What an awful name. Willard. If you had a stronger name, Frank Martin wouldn’t push you around. Or maybe you’ve found a girlfriend if you’d had a more handsome name. Mark or Kyle. Clark. From now, Willard, your name’s Clark. Good night, Clark.” – Willard’s Mother

I remember that when this movie came out, I didn’t get it in my area. Also, back in 2003, we didn’t have a third of the theaters we now have and they also weren’t as big or nice. There certainly wasn’t any sort of emphasis on showing films outside of what was guaranteed to make a shit ton of cash.

So I never got to see this until the DVD release but when I did, I really liked it at the time. I think a lot of that has to do with it starring Crispin Glover, a guy I’ve always been a big fan of, as well as R. Lee Ermey, another guy I really dig.

I probably viewed this through very different eyes when I was in my early twenties because seeing it now, I found it really hard to sit through. That’s mainly due to a bad script and wonky scenes that I feel have more to do with bad dialogue and bad direction than the actors themselves.

Aesthetically, the picture is near perfect and Crispin Glover and R. Lee Ermey are both very convincing in their roles.

However, the pacing is really weird and the film could’ve lobbed off about twenty percent and played better.

The characters are written very thin and one-dimensional, though. For instance, the “love interest” or whatever she’s supposed to be is constantly pushing her way into Willard’s life, making him uncomfortable. It’s like she’s written with no self or situational awareness and just muscles her way into situations for plot convenience and to add tension or make things worse. She forces a cat on him that he clearly doesn’t want, only to toss it into his house where it is eaten alive by Willard’s army of rats. She also barges into his house to take a piss when Willard pretty clearly doesn’t want her inside. She’s also the only person to show up for his mother’s funeral, which is weird considering that he barely knows her. She’s just an oddly written character that comes off as more psycho and out of touch that the title character who is supposed to be the psycho and out of touch one.

Also, the actress, Laura Elena Harring, is stunning and I don’t know why the hell she’d be chasing Willard so hard or why Willard doesn’t just focus on her, as opposed to the terrible shit in his life but I digress. In the real world, Harring is a legitimate countess and she was Miss USA and Miss Texas in 1985, as well as ranking in the top ten of the 1985 Miss Universe pageant.

Anyway, this picture hasn’t aged well but I don’t think that it was very good to begin with despite my thoughts on it nearly twenty years ago. I mostly like Glover and Ermey’s performances but they do get adversely affected by poor dialogue, bad direction and scenes that run on too long for no apparent reason other trying to make it even clearer that the two characters despise one another.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: the original Willard and its sequel Ben, as well as other films starring Crispin Glover.

Film Review: Toy Soldiers (1991)

Release Date: April 26th, 1991
Directed by: Daniel Petrie Jr.
Written by: David Koepp, Daniel Petrie Jr.
Based on: Toy Soldiers by William P. Kennedy
Music by: Robert Folk
Cast: Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, Keith Coogan, Andrew Divoff, Denholm Elliott, Lou Gossett Jr., George Perez, T.E. Russell, Shawn Phelan, R. Lee Ermey, Jerry Orbach (uncredited)

Island World, TriStar Pictures, 111 Minutes

Review:

“Great, the school gets taken over by terrorists and I’m still on pots and pans.” – William “Billy” Tepper

I thought this movie was pretty badass when I was twelve years-old. I mean, it’s still okay but it hasn’t stood the test of time very well. Plus, I think at twelve, I still believed that being a real G.I. Joe was an obtainable life goal.

Toy Soldiers like Red Dawn, Iron Eagle and The Rescue before it, sees its teen stars pick up arms to take down some corrupt, evil motherfuckers.

In the case of this film, the teens’ military school is taken over by a Colombian drug cartel because the cartel’s leader’s daddy is being held captive by the United States government. The reason he chose the school was because the son of one of the U.S. government officials is enrolled there. However, he was pulled out of the academy just before the evil shitheads arrived. So the bad guys already suck before the ball really gets rolling.

Anyway, we see a pretty solid cast of Sean Astin, Keith Coogan and Wil Wheaton (before he totally sucked) work with their other buddies in an effort to stop the drug cartel and take their school back.

The adult officials in the movie are also pretty solid, as they’re played by Louis Gossett Jr. Denholm Elliot and R. Lee Ermey.

Seeing this now, almost thirty years later, all the film’s extra excess of cheese is very apparent. Sure, I noticed it when I was a pre-teen but having just come out of the ’80s, cheesiness was still at the forefront of American pop culture. So was patriotism and kicking foreign ass, as we had just won the Cold War, conquered mainstream communism and were embroiled in the first Gulf War. Also, for kids my age, we had guys like Hulk Hogan, Sgt. Slaughter and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan preaching to us about the awesomeness of Americana. Don’t talk to me about Slaughter becoming an Iraqi sympathizer because that wasn’t real, you imagined it.

So the movie is still enjoyable in spite of its goofiness and its awkward stars trying so hard to be tough guys. It’s hard to buy into, especially when you see little Willy Wheaton shooting a machine gun on the steps of the school, only to be gunned down in an effort to give this meaningless movie more meaning.

As mindless entertainment goes, you could watch much worse. This is a pretty forgettable film but it had some good young actors for its time. I only wish it would’ve been retooled into a Pauly Shore movie because that would’ve taken it to a whole other level.

Rating: 6.25/10
Pairs well with: other teen soldier movies like Red Dawn, Iron Eagle and The Rescue.

TV Review: The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. (1993-1994)

Original Run: August 27th, 1993 – May 20th, 1994
Created by: Jeffrey Boam, Carlton Cuse
Directed by: various
Written by: various
Music by: Velton Ray Bunch, Stephen Graziano, Randy Edelman
Cast: Bruce Campbell, Julius Carry, Christian Clemenson, Kelly Rutherford, John Astin, Billy Drago, M. C. Gainey, R. Lee Ermey (cameo), Tracey Walter

Boam/Cuse Productions, Warner Bros. Television, 27 Episodes, 45 Minutes (per episode)

Review:

I have been a huge fan of Bruce Campbell since first experiencing the Evil Dead films in the 80s. However, as much as I love his character Ash, my favorite role Campbell has ever had is Brisco County, Jr. This is, hands down, the greatest thing Campbell has ever been a part of and it still bothers me, over twenty years later, that the show ended after a single season.

In the same vein as The Wild, Wild West (the show, not the atrocious movie), The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. mixes the western and science fiction genres. It also adds in lighthearted but excellent comedy and a family friendly level of violence, as it isn’t really violent at all.

Bruce Campbell plays the title character, Brisco County, Jr. He is a bounty hunter who is trying to round up all the men who helped murder his father, a U.S. Marshall (played by R. Lee Ermey). He finds himself pitted against John Bly (played by the always enigmatic Billy Drago), as well as Bly’s gang. Gang members, Big Smith (played by M.C. Gainey) and Pete Hutter (played by John Pyper-Ferguson) are fantastic characters that have a lot of depth and make this show even more enjoyable. Pete Hutter is actually one of my favorite comedic villains of all-time. But nothing is as cold, chilling and evil as Billy Dargo’s John Bly. He is still one of the best television and western villains I have ever seen.

On the heroic side, Brisco is joined by the lawyer Socrates Poole (played by Christian Clemenson) and rival/friend bounty hunter Lord Bowler (played by the perfectly casted Julius Carry). The camaraderie between Brisco and Bowler is amazing. They are one of the great all-time buddy pairings. The inclusion of Clemenson rounds out the trio and makes a stellar team. They are also assisted, at times, by Professor Wickwire (John Astin a.k.a. Gomez from The Addams Family) and Dixie Cousins (Kelly Rutherford in her best role).

In addition to apprehending the John Bly Gang, Brisco keeps finding himself involved with a mysterious object called “The Orb”. In fact, it is the one thing that John Bly is after. The Orb brings a supernatural element to the show that is refreshing and new. This show still feels like it is one-of-a-kind, even today, because of things like the Orb and the way that it was always looking to the future and teased technological innovations before their time.

27 episodes weren’t enough, even though the show does leave you with a somewhat satisfying ending. At least the main story arc is closed by the end of the season with a few hints at the future sprinkled in. It would’ve been awesome if it had kept moving forward though.

According to the creators, the second season would have seen Brisco becoming the sheriff of a small town while settling down with Dixie and having a family.

Rating: 9.5/10