Film Review: Movie 43 (2013)

Also known as: Truth or Dare (working title)
Release Date: January 1st, 2013 (Russia)
Directed by: Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Steve Baker, Damon Escott
Written by: Steve Baker, Ricky Blitt, Will Carlough, Tobias Carlson, Jacob Fleisher, Patrik Forsberg, Will Graham, James Gunn, Claes Kjellstrom, Jack Kukoda, Bob Odenkirk, Bill O’Malley, Matthew Alec Portenoy, Greg Pritikin, Rocky Russo, Olle Sarri, Elizabeth Wright Shapiro, Jeremy Sosenko, Jonathan van Tulleken, Jonas Wittenmark
Music by: Christophe Beck, David J. Hodge, Leo Birenberg, Tyler Bates, Miles Moon, William Goodrum
Cast: Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Long, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloë Grace Moretz, Liev Schreiber, Emma Stone, Jason Sudekis, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts, Kate Winslet, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Charlie Saxton, Will Sasso, Seth MacFarlane, Mark L. Young, Fisher Stevens, Beth Littleford, Julie Ann Emery, Chris Pratt, J.B. Smoove, Kieran Culkin, Bobby Cannavale, Patrick Warburton, Seann William Scott, Stephen Merchant, Snooki, Emily Alyn Lind, Julianne Moore (scene cut), Tony Shalhoub (scene cut), Bob Odenkirk (scene cut), Anton Yelchin (scene cut)

Relativity Media, Virgin Produced, GreeneStreet Films, 94 Minutes

Review:

“Excuse me, I’m gonna go do some Batman-ing.” – Fake Batman

I never wanted to see this movie and that was before I heard how bad it was when it came out. Also, the few people who seemed to like it were people that have historically had terrible recommendations in not just movies but just about everything in life.

Recently, I was told to watch it and I kind of just said fuck it because part of me was curious and wanted to know if this was as bad as I had heard it was.

It’s worse.

In fact, I can confidently say that this is the biggest waste of talent I have ever seen in a motion picture.

It’s so bad that it’s beyond atrocious. So much so, that I find it not just baffling that this film attracted so many big stars but I find it really unnerving.

Who greenlit this fucking thing? And how many terrible agents are there in Hollywood? Fire all of them!

Anyway, I had to start asking myself some questions while trying to work this film’s existence out in my brain:

1. Is everyone in Hollywood actually insane?
2. Do the Hollywood elite want all of us to commit seppuku?
3. Do the Hollywood elite think that sucking their own assholes is a good use of time?
4. Did this movie somehow leak over from a parallel dimension where Earth actually is Hell?
5. Did all of these “artists” commit some unspeakable crime and this was secretly some sort of punishment for said crime?
6. Did all of these people lose a bet?
7. Was this movie actually the result of a writing contest for mental patients?
8. Is this what people mean by “anti-humor”?
9. Did the person who put up the money have some sort of Brewster’s Millions deal where they had to throw away money to get their full inheritance?
10. Was this produced to debut on an earlier, failed attempt at CBS trying a streaming service?

I mean, those are all legitimate questions. In fact, I’d say that they’re more legitimate than this film.

This is the worst movie I’ve seen that was made for more than thirty dollars.

The film was full of crude jokes, none of which landed, and it offered up a bunch of gross out moments that just come across as Hollywood trying so hard to be edgy when in reality, they haven’t had their fucking balls in a long time.

Honestly, seeing how “politically correct” and “apologetic” the Hollywood elite have become since SJWs emerged and Cancel Culture took hold, this film feels like them desperately trying to get all the edgy shit out of their system before they all started their “I’m sorry, I’ll strive to do better” world tour.

Additionally, none of these gross out moments are all that effective if you’ve been a fan of ’70s and ’80s horror. Go watch Society and try again. Better yet, you shouldn’t have tried at all.

I think that film critic Robbie Collin said it best in his review of the movie:

“I was immediately overcome with a sudden rush of emotion: not amusement, anger or even mild irritation, but a profound and faintly tragic sense of pity.”

Speaking of reviews, let’s look at what all the big sites think. IMDb gives it a 4.3/10, Rotten Tomatoes gives it 5 percent from critics with 24 percent from the audience, Metacritic gives it an 18 percent and Richard Roeper referred to it as “the Citizen Kane of awful.”

In closing, I’ll simply state:

Rating: 0/10
Pairs well with: bad cavities and genital warts.

TV Review: Lethal Weapon (2016-2019)

Original Run: September 21st, 2016 – February 26th, 2019
Created by: Matt Miller
Directed by: various
Written by: various
Based on: Lethal Weapon by Shane Black
Music by: Vo Williams, various
Cast: Damon Wayans, Clayne Crawford, Jordana Brewster, Keesha Sharp, Kevin Rahm, Johnathan Fernandez, Chandler Kinney, Dante Brown, Michelle Mitchenor, Seann William Scott, Chandler Kinney, Dante Brown, Thomas Lennon, Hilarie Burton, Floriana Lima

Good Session Productions, Lin Pictures, Warner Bros. Fox, 55 Episodes, 42-46 Minutes (per episode)

Review:

I’ve been slowly working my way through this show since I finished revisiting the movies over a month ago. Initially, I didn’t want to watch this TV series reboot but those who have watched it spoke pretty highly of it. With that, I figured I’d check out a few episodes to see if it was worth investing my time into watching the whole series.

I have to admit that I was also intrigued by the controversy surrounding the show and its stars, which if you aren’t aware of, you should Google it, as there’s too much to sum up in a sentence or two.

Now knowing that the two leads pretty much hated each other, it’s incredible that they have a pretty natural bond and chemistry, as characters onscreen. And they are playing Riggs and Murtaugh, which are big shoes to fill, so having chemistry was absolutely key for this to work. Somehow, it does; magnificently well, in fact.

At it’s core, this is a fairly formulaic, episodic, police procedural, action dramedy. But really, it’s just about what you would expect from a TV show reboot of Lethal Weapon. I typically don’t vibe with shows like that but this one works for me simply because I love the characters and I love the broader stories that happen slowly over the course of each season. This show does a solid job of character and relationship building and that’s honestly the glue that holds this all together for me.

I also really, really like Clayne Crawford’s version of Martin Riggs, even if this role did make him miserable. I don’t think it was the role itself, I think he was just unhappy with the overall experience. But within the realm of the show, he doesn’t seem to let it effect his performance and he delivers. The guy is a hell of an actor and he makes you care about Riggs, probably on a deeper level than Mel Gibson had time to do in just two hour films.

Full disclosure, I know that Riggs gets killed off because Crawford was fired but I’m not there yet. I’m close to the end of season two, just before his exit. After watching season three, if my opinion of the show drastically changes, I’ll update this post at the bottom.

I also like Murtaugh, played by Damon Wayans, and that this film gets to expand on his family dynamic a lot more than the movies did. I like that part of the show and how Murtaugh’s wife is very instrumental in helping Riggs through his grief in the first season.

The supporting cast is good too, especially Kevin Rahm as the police chief and Jordana Brewster as the police psychologist. Rahm was one of my favorite actors on Mad Men and Brewster actually gets to show off her acting chops much more than just being eye candy in sportscar heist movies.

Overall, this is a pretty good show that was better than I thought it could be and maybe I should’ve given it a chance from the get go instead of initially looking at it as just another soulless, cash cow remake attempt.

Rating: 8/10
Pairs well with: the Lethal Weapon film series, as well as other action/comedy buddy cop television shows.

Film Review: The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

Release Date: August 5th, 2005
Directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar
Written by: John O’Brien, Jonathan L. Davis
Based on: characters created by Gy Waldron
Music by: Nathan Barr
Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds, Willie Nelson, David Koechner, M. C. Gainey, Lynda Carter, James Roday, Joe Don Baker

Village Roadshow Pictures, Warner Bros., 104 Minutes

Review:

“Derp, derp, derp, (expletive) derp!” – Everyone in the film

Man, what a pile of absolute shit this was.

Okay, let me say that I wasn’t expecting much, which is probably why I waited twelve years to watch a film based off of a television show I used to love. This also features some actors I like, so I was expecting, at the very least, something a bit better than total shit. But no, this is total shit.

The story is just a jumbled mess of scenes that are fairly nonsensical and for the most part, don’t advance the plot. This is just a film about gags and every now and then, we are reminded of some sort of narrative framework that is supposed to pull all this together. However, Knoxville’s Jackass movies have more of a unified narrative than this movie.

The film brings together Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott, two guys who have amused me in the past and who should have been pretty good together. However, with such a bad script and nearly non-existent direction, The Dukes of Hazzard makes Joe Dirt 2 look like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I mean, this film’s script is so bad, that I wouldn’t even give it to Kim Jung Un to use as toilet paper. It’s the worst script I’ve seen that has actually gone before the camera in a really long time. Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson should have been smarter than to have been in this fully loaded shit sandwich with a side of shitato salad and a 20 oz. cup Diet Dr. Shitter. Strangely, Nelson came back for a direct-to-video sequel.

This movie was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I tried to just focus on the beauty of Jessica Simpson but then she kept talking and I was reminded that this is a girl that doesn’t know the difference between tuna and chicken.

Of course this has to go through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 3 Stool: Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface.”

Rating: 1.5/10

Film Review: Goon: Last of the Enforcers (2017)

Release Date: March 17th, 2017 (Canada)
Directed by: Jay Baruchel
Written by: Jay Baruchel, Jesse Chabot
Music by: Trevor Morris
Cast: Seann William Scott, Jay Baruchel, Alison Pill, Marc-André Grondin, Kim Coates, Liev Schreiber, Jonathan Cherry, Wyatt Russell, Elisha Cuthbert, T.J. Miller, Tyler Seguin, Michael Del Zotto, Brandon Prust, George Parros, Colton Orr, Georges Laraque

No Trace Camping, Caramel Film, Entertainment One, 101 Minutes

Review:

“Evolve. Or go extinct.” – Xavier LaFlamme

I’m a pretty big fan of the original Goon, which I consider to be the best hockey movie since Slap Shot. I am also a huge fan of hockey and the preseason for the NHL is already underway and I’m being overtaken by hockey fever. Living in the States, I wasn’t able to see this movie until now but at least it dropped just in time for the hockey season, which seems more fitting than it’s St. Patrick’s Day release in Canada.

Unfortunately, Goon: Last of the Enforcers isn’t quite Goon but I did enjoy it.

The one thing that the film is missing is the heart and spirit of the original. Ultimately, it feels like an unnecessary sequel even though I was personally looking forward to it because there is a certain magic between Seann William Scott’s Doug Glatt and Liev Schreiber’s Ross Rhea. I wanted to see these two interact one more time and despite this film not living up to the original, I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to one more go around after this.

Scott and Schreiber are just great as these characters. The rest of the cast is fun too but the film is powered by these two men and their rivalry turned to respect.

In this picture, a third goon shows up and has absolutely no respect for anything. Frankly, you just want to see this asshole get his just desserts. This new goon, played by Wyatt Russell (son of Kurt) is so good as a despicable character that you can’t not sort of admire his performance and his presence. The sky is the limit for this kid.

Doug’s teammates return and they are all just as funny as before but you seem to spend less time with them and more time on the drama of Doug trying to discover himself in a life after hockey with his now wife and coming child adding a sense of pressure and responsibility that he has a hard time balancing with his personal struggles.

In the beginning, Doug is beaten into retirement by his new rival. He takes on a normal life but wants to get back on the ice to prove that he’s still got it. In an homage to Rocky III, Doug seeks out his former rival, Ross Rhea, in an attempt to train himself for the possibility of a rematch with the man that put him on the shelf and usurped him as the king of hockey fisticuffs.

I liked the premise and seeing Doug and Ross work together and even become teammates, by the end of the film, was a cool evolution of their story. The film takes their mutual respect to a new level and that is much more interesting than Doug dealing with his insurance job and becoming a father.

Marc-André Grondin’s Xavier LaFlamme is also back but he takes a backseat and doesn’t have the screen time he had in Goon. I really like the LaFlamme character and thought he was sort of wasted here. The same goes for Jay Baruchel’s Patrick but Baruchel also directed this and probably thought that a cameo here and there was all he could tackle while helming this picture.

If you love Goon, you will probably like Goon: Last of the Enforcers. It doesn’t live up to its predecessor but you get to see these characters evolve into something more than where they were when we left off with the first film.

Rating: 7/10

Film Review: Goon (2011)

Release Date: September 10th, 2011 (Toronto Film Festival)
Directed by: Michael Dowse
Written by: Jay Baruchel, Evan Goldberg
Music by: Ramachandra Borcar
Cast: Seann William Scott, Jay Baruchel, Alison Pill, Marc-André Grondin, Kim Coates, Eugene Levy, Liev Schreiber, Jonathan Cherry

No Trace Camping, Caramel Film, Don Carmody Productions, Inferno Pictures Inc., Alliance Films, Magnet Releasing, 92 Minutes

Review:

“You have my respect. Whatever that means to you, you got it. But, know this shit hard. If ever there comes a time when it gets down to the marrow, and it’s you and me. Kid, I will lay you the fuck out.” – Ross Rhea

Goon is the best hardcore hockey film since the Paul Newman classic Slap Shot. And to be honest, as a fan of hockey, movies and testosterone, I think that Goon is either on or pretty damned close to the Slap Shot level.

Written by Jay Baruchel (who also stars in the film) and Evan Goldberg, this is a movie that lives up to their previous collaborations and their great individual efforts. It also provided Seann William Scott and Liev Schreiber with the two best roles they’ve played. In fact, I would be all for a spin-off about Schreiber’s character, the veteran goon Ross Rhea.

Actually, the scene in the bar between Scott and Schreiber is one of my favorite verbal confrontations ever filmed. The mood, the lighting, the lines spoken and the chemistry between the two men in just that one scene, elevate this film to something much more than a late night sports comedy. Kudos to both actors.

This is a quick paced and never boring 90 minute mixture of bad ass hockey shit, lighthearted adult comedy and just a really compelling story about a lovable tough guy that just wants to find something in the world that he is good at. It is about a guy who wants to belong somewhere.

The final confrontation in this film is also a pretty epic scene. The film builds towards the inevitable battle between the two toughest guys in minor league hockey and when it finally goes down, it makes the three hour battle that is The Return of the King look like Strawberry Shortcake.

This film is great. I can see where it wouldn’t be many people’s cup of tea but fuck people and fuck tea.

Rating: 8/10