‘Follow Your Passion’ Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2015.

We’ve all heard it before, probably while in a rut too. Some famous know-it-all enlightened asshole with a platinum album at an awards show says it about two dozen times in a two-hour span. In fact, it is one of the trendiest things to say nowadays. People who haven’t even accomplished anything all that great like to espouse this nonsense as well. If everyone is saying it and it is found in endless memes, it must be true.

The nonsense I am talking about is the mantra “follow your passion.”

For starters, don’t tell me what the fuck to do. Also, shut the fuck up because you don’t know me or really what’s inside of anyone else and what they have been through and what they are currently going through. “Follow your passion” isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems and in fact, it can be horrible fucking advice. People are suckers for horrible fucking advice.

This marketing slogan for life resonates with people because it is simple and daring and thus, perceived as profound. It doesn’t matter that this seemingly profound enlightenment has become so common place that I have to scroll through it a half dozen times in my Instagram feed every morning.

Sure, following your passion can lead to great things and you may end up happy, successful and with everything you want. It may also leave you broke, confused, worse off than you were if you had just kept your job and pissed off at the universe because you followed pop culture’s sagely advice and aren’t a billionaire zen Buddhist with a house full of angeldust and passed out prostitutes.

I’m all for doing what makes you happy. That is kind of the point of life. In fact, people often try to figure out what the meaning of life is. I don’t know why that is so difficult. The meaning of life is pretty simple. The meaning of life is to LIVE IT. That’s it.

You have a life, now fill it with what makes you happy. But you also need to be realistic. So, here comes the part no one wants to hear, especially when “follow your passion” sounds so fucking cool.

There has to be a balance. Most of us aren’t talented like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was talented. We can follow our passion but that doesn’t mean that we will have success. And the thing is, not everyone’s passion is a money maker. My passion is eating ribeye, drinking bourbon, having as much sex as possible and telling people to fuck off. What exactly can I do with that to make some serious money?

Additionally, many people, and I would say most, don’t have a real passion. And by real passion, I mean something that calls them to the point that it burns in their belly. We aren’t all singers and actors and great writers. Hell, most of us suck at arts, crafts, building things and pretty much a whole lot of other cool shit.

My passions are about eating good meat and putting my penis in something and that’s probably because I don’t have a real burning desire to do anything else. And again, this is most people. The vast majority of Earth’s population weren’t born for some mystical purpose with a Frodo Baggins destiny to fulfill. The world isn’t Middle Earth or a galaxy full of Jedi. We aren’t meant to drink from the Holy Grail, we are meant to live our lives and to try and enjoy it as much as we can in the limited time we’re given.

For most people, a passion is a hobby they like doing. For many, doing a hobby as a job is a horrible idea. Let me give a few personal examples.

A friend of mine loved cooking amazing food, as a paid chef in a fine restaurant, he hates it. He told me that he regretted that big life decision because it ruined what he once loved.

In my case, I went to school for computer programming because I enjoyed fucking around with code in high school. A semester and a half into college, it dawned on me that I didn’t want to write code for the next thirty years of my life.

Moving forward, I have always been creative and artistic and found myself working in that field. I now do graphic design and other artistic stuff for a living but I am not happy doing it – I am just really good at it. And maybe I am naturally an artist but it isn’t my passion. I just happen to have a high skill level, the talent and at the end of the day, it pays me well enough. And I’m not sure what I could do better.

That brings me to the other old adage that often accompanies “follow your passion” and that is “do what you love.” Both mean the same thing but the point is, doing what you love isn’t a key to happiness. Sometimes, doing what you love makes you love it less.

My friend is a chef because he needs to pay bills. I am a professional artist for the same reason. In both cases, what we love to do has become a curse of sorts.

When my friend cooks for himself and his family and friends, he is happy. When I am creative for myself, I am happy. But doing these things as a job is a totally different scenario. And if they were pretty hardcore passions, they have certainly lost their luster.

Contrary to popular belief, most people don’t have preexisting passions. Additionally, happiness in the workplace is quantified by many factors other than personal interests and passion. I like that I get three weeks off every year, to use that time to focus on whatever I want to without interruption. I also like that my job allows plenty of free time so I can dabble in more things that actually interest me. Plus there is a lot of freedom at my place of employment that I wouldn’t have elsewhere. These are happiness factors that work for me.

Also, sometimes a passion happens later. We may not know what we love because we haven’t experienced it yet. I often times joke that I could be the best golfer in the world but I’ll never know because I don’t have much interest in golfing. But if I golfed and found out that I had that skill, a new passion could flourish. This is why I always like trying new things outside of my comfort zone. But really, I have no interest in golfing despite my amazing putt-putt skills.

Elaborating on that, passion doesn’t necessarily exist naturally and often times it takes hard work and cultivation. And sometimes, passion can be born from cultivating a skill set that you initially didn’t have much interest in until you had to do it.

A personal example of this, is that I recently had to confront an engineering issue with a product in my company. Everyone was baffled at how to make the product function properly. I took it apart, analyzed it and figured out how to modify it mechanically. I found out that I really liked solving this problem and discovered a passion for mechanical engineering that I never knew I had because I had never been confronted with it. Now I love taking on these sorts of tasks and if I had a time machine, I might go back and tell my younger self to follow that path. Not that I can’t follow it now.

But there is no guarantee that I would enjoy mechanical engineering as my actual primary job.

As time moves on, people change and grow and with that, their passions may alter. I was passionate about a lot of different things in the past that I am not passionate about now. At first I wanted to be a firefighter, then a G.I. Joe, then a mad scientist, then a comic book artist, then a rapper, then a computer programmer, then an MMA fighter, then a gigolo, then a paid artist. Point is, shit changes.

So lets be adults here. “Follow your passion” all you want but you have to make money to survive. If you are a special breed that can do what you love for a living and find happiness in that, good for you. But for the rest of us, we have to take care of living expenses, families and other things.

Does that mean you ignore your passions?

No, not at all. Unless you are chained to your desk for 168 hours per week, you have free time to spend however you want. If you don’t have free time, maybe you need to find a job that allows you to have a life away from work. The secret isn’t following your passion, it is work/life balance. With proper balance, your passions can flourish.

Now if your passions start to make you money, enjoy it. But keep your damned job until you know you’re alright financially. Quitting tomorrow because you have a burning desire to paint trees is probably a bad life decision.

I’m all about passion but I am about setting goals, preparing and having a plan of attack. I’m not telling you not to take risks but just like “follow your passion” is mostly bullshit, so is “risk equals reward.” While great reward can be born from taking a risk, there is no guarantee. It is called risk for a reason and it is better to be prepared and to know what you are walking into than to just leap off of a cliff into the fog below.

“Follow your passion.” Sorry, life is too complex for that.

Go ahead and make your life meaningful, we all should strive for that. Just don’t be an idiot.

The McDonald’s Double Drive-Thru Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2015.

The McDonald’s double drive-thru is bullshit. It is a clusterfuck of biblical proportions. Seriously, whose idea was this? I’d like to meet them.

Okay, let us look at this objectively and in theory. In theory, in a perfect world, this is probably a fairly decent idea. It allows McDonald’s to process orders more quickly because obviously they are struggling financially and need more money. But really that is only the real benefit I see.

And what good is processing orders, or really just taking orders, at a faster rate considered more efficient when the split line has to merge back together?

Okay, the idea is actually crap in theory.

Here’s the real problem. McDonald’s really overestimates the logic and patience of human beings. They also overestimate their acceptance of change and learning new things.

One, people are generally morons. Two, people resist change. Put both of those things together and you get the mess that I have to deal with every time I just want to grab a Sausage McMuffin and a shitty iced coffee because I am too lazy to make my own breakfast.

What I usually deal with is people who aren’t sure where to split the line because the arrows are just suggestions and not a law punishable by Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac.

So we get impatient dickheads who swerve out of the long line violently and cut several cars to get to the second lane before the suggested traffic split. It creates tension and road rage. People who try to follow the rules and be orderly are fucked over by self-absorbed pricks who can’t wait an extra few seconds for a McFlurry.

Then when the cars are supposed to merge back together, people don’t seem to understand how this works. I constantly see people yelling and beeping their bitch horns because they are already pissed off and think that the other person is trying to cut in front of them again. People don’t understand that the line should merge back together in the sequence of completed orders. If you finish your order, you are in front of the other person still talking into the monitor. It is pretty simple but it is still over many people’s heads.

Also, McDonald’s is squeezing this concept into every location possible. The two McDonald’s locations closest to me don’t really have room for it. It is really hard to navigate in limited space, especially when other people trying to just move around the drive-thru, who aren’t in it, can’t get through or have to enter the drive-thru traffic because they are stuck just trying to get out of the parking lot.

A double drive-thru doesn’t need to be rocket science but it is because people don’t know how to use it, even after a few years.

And the worst are the assholes who aren’t paying attention and hold up their half of the line, allowing people to cut in and screw up the sequence of orders to be picked up.

This article doesn’t need to be long, the point has been made. But apparently there are “studies” that claim McDonald’s bullshit drive-thru experiment works. They are probably the same “scientists” that claim that clowns aren’t terrifying. Hence, they are on McDonald’s clown-loving payroll.

I could just park and order inside but then again, people don’t know how to form a line there either.

I think line forming was the first thing I learned in school.

Fast food should be convenient. McDonald’s has now made it the equivalent of trying to board an overbooked flight.

Big Sunglasses Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

You may be reading the title of this post and be thinking, is he serious? Yes, I am pretty damned serious here. So why the hate for larger sunglasses? Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

To start, this is for the ladies. I don’t care so much if a dude is wearing large sunglasses. If he is, I have to wonder about his overall masculinity but I’m not in the business of wanting to shag dudes, so I don’t really care if he wants to look like an idiot. He can keep his large sunglasses and skinny jeans in the corner with his other dude bros trying to out-sex each other while preying on 17 year-olds at Spring Break.

Moving on, let’s talk about your big sunglasses, ladies.

For one thing, they are too fucking big and cover up like 75 percent of your face. I don’t know how this is considered attractive and sexy and how this became the norm. I get it though, they block out more sun. Well, that’s the excuse anyway. The fact that they cover your entire face and are a gigantic billboard for whatever name brand shades you have an affinity for is probably a big part of your attraction to looking like some bug-eyed sex goblin whether at the beach or driving to Zoom Tan. For the record, if you’re not picking up on what I’m saying here, that shit’s not attractive.

No one really cares about what name brand sunglasses you’re wearing. Well, that is except for the other girls who are also wearing fuchsia-colored World War I motorcycle goggles. Stop competing with each other for who has the best glasses, it is childish and lame. Be more of a hardcore bitch because a hardcore bitch wouldn’t give a shit. For example, a lame childish chick would say something like, “Oh hey girly, you didn’t say anything, so I am assuming you didn’t notice these 50 lb. Leche Bananas that are covering my entire face!” The hardcore bitch would then respond with something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why are you wearing a motorcycle helmet? Fuck off.”

Additionally, another point that has to be made about these monstrosities is that you aren’t going to attract a proper mate with these alien face-huggers stuck to your face. For instance, I once had a girl come up to me who said it was great hanging out with me the previous day at some bar on the beach. I was like, “Yeah, who the fuck are you?” And then she told me and it clicked! “Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you because your entire face was covered by sunglasses yesterday!” Then I remembered that the entire time I was talking to the girl on the previous day, that I couldn’t determine if she was attractive because I couldn’t see anything other than her little nose and tiny mouth. And this isn’t a one-off incident, it happens a lot. Half the time, I think the chicks are attempting to hide some gnarly scar or something.

I’m not trying to sound like a superficial douchebag here but the fact of the matter is, when you’re vibing with another human being and there just might be a bit of a spark, you’d like to see their face, right? I can’t tell you how many girls have ruined their game with me because I couldn’t see their face. The face tells a lot, the face is beautiful, don’t be afraid to show it off. Talking to a girl with giant fucking sunglasses is like talking to a priest behind a confessional screen. It’s just so impersonal and awkward.

When it comes to the excuse of wearing giant sunglasses because they block out more of the sun, I’m calling bullshit. For starters, I never wear sunglasses because I hate things on my face. That being said, I live in Southwest Florida where the sun is mighty intense and I am also prone to migraines. I still never wear sunglasses and I do just fine. Now when I have worn them for whatever odd reason, normal-fitting decent sized sunglasses did the job and kept the sun out of my eyes. Sunglasses aren’t hard to understand and use. When used correctly, decent sized ones work. You chicks mean to tell me that you can use a hundred different video effects apps to produce wicked Vines all day but you can’t figure out how to wear a proper pair of sunglasses?

I think I’ve made my point and there isn’t much else I really need to add. What we’ve got here is just another case of chicks being ridiculous because they’re too concerned with what other chicks think and ultimately are pushing away men who are of a better stock than the mickey-slipping beaus they usually shack up with.

Diets Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

I’m a big guy, I’m cool with it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be healthy. I try to stay active and eat well, as often as I can. Due to my incredibly slow metabolism or whatever, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. In that time, I have tried an endless number of fad diets and every other dietary system out there. Being 35 years-old, I think I’ve followed that cycle long enough to see the trends and results and can pretty much conclude that all these fad diets are bullshit.

I’m not going to sit here and argue against the “science” of any of these diets because for every study that says one thing, you can always find one that states the opposite. Studies are also bullshit but maybe I’ll write a separate article about that in the future.

Losing weight isn’t easy. Well, in theory it should be. Of course, if you follow most of these fad diets to a tee, you’ll probably see results but whatever the system or method is that you’re using, there is most assuredly a catch involved.

I’m sorry Dr. Atkins and your followers but your “no carb” madness is bullshit and those of you dining on bacon all day and night are going to run into some serious problems. You think at this point, that it would pretty much be common sense but people still take this diet to the nth degree: believing such dietary behavior to be a magic fix all. There is a truth to low carb/high protein diets that people need to realize. While they work for weight loss, they are harmful to your health and can be dangerous.

The crazy juicers out there have really fucked themselves. Essentially, you have to juice forever or switch over to a micronutrient diet every now and again, which allows you some solid food. Sorry, but this shit is torture and I’d rather eat responsibly than suck a tree’s dick for the rest of my life. Juicing is gross and disgusting. Plus you can’t tell me that you are taking in all of the plant when 75 percent of it is being spit out of your juicer’s ass like some sort of swamp cole slaw. Unless you are a Buddhist monk trying to prove a political point, fasting is stupid.

Don’t even get me started on “The Master Cleanse” a.k.a. the lemonade diet.

The South Beach Diet just pisses me off by the name alone, as Miami is just a shit hole of a place obsessed with stupid trends. Why would I follow their diet fad? Plus I ate one of their microwave meals one time because I was hungover at some dumb girl’s house. The meal was the worse thing I’ve ever tasted after liquid kale.

The raw food diet? I don’t get it. Vegetables and fruit are good raw but don’t ever show up at my house with a raw key lime pie made out of avocado. That shit isn’t even cute, it is an abomination and the worst idea anyone has ever had. Raw milk? Why don’t you just go to the source and suck it out of a cow’s titty?

The paleo diet, also called the caveman diet and other things, is seemingly the most plausible in my opinion. However eating what cavemen or our ancestors from the Paleolithic era ate, is damned near impossible because despite what all these books tell you, different people from different regions had access to different things. Also, there is no real way of knowing exactly what made up the diets of all these specific cultures. We have some good knowledge on it but it isn’t complete. For fuck’s sake, this was like millions of years ago. There is a reason why it is referred to as “prehistory”. Paleo practitioners eat a lot of meat and vegetables (but they’re picky as to which ones) and they stay away from grains and white potatoes. Well, there is evidence suggesting that Paleolithic people ate white potatoes and grains, so there goes that dietary theory. Paleolithic motherfuckers also ate grubs and insects. So are you going to bacon-wrap some cockroaches?

For the record, out of all the things I’ve tried, I did like the paleo diet the most, I felt the best on it compared to other diets and I lost weight at a decent rate. However, I am a sucker for meat, so I made it work.

The truth is much easier than these fad diets want you to believe. All one really has to do is use common sense and eat sensibly. You should know what is good and bad for you and if you don’t, educate yourself and quit relying on dietary quacks trying to sell their program. And that’s the thing, stop believing what every snake oil salesman is trying to sell you and do a fucking Google search to read the criticism of the product you want to rush out and buy. If it sounds to good to be true, it is.

The most successful diet I have ever been on is no diet. Knowing what is good and what is bad and eating appropriately with portion control, has led to me losing weight the quickest and most healthily. Also, one has to add exercise because to burn calories, you have to do something other than sitting on your ass watching “America’s Got Talent” or playing “Angry Birds 17”. Your body needs to work and move, which is something else that should be common sense.

And don’t be dismayed, you can still eat those things you want to eat, you just have to learn what the word “moderation” means. Yes, I eat some bad shit but I don’t eat it all the time. I post recipes for glorious high calorie treats but I have that stuff once in a blue moon. I still eat red meat, chicken, bacon, fish and the occasional Snickers bar or pint of ice cream. The fact that I don’t do it on a daily basis, makes those things much more enjoyable when I do treat myself.

Just don’t be a dumbass and don’t be some fool forking over cash for the next miracle diet book or program or $1,400 megajuicer. It’s all bullshit. If you want to know more, as to why these fad diets are crap, read some of the stuff Rational Wiki has to say about them and do further research. Know your sources and don’t take information at face value. If someone says, “studies show…” you need to run.

Tapas Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Tapas. Even the word annoys me. It sounds like someone with a lisp trying to say “tap ass”. By the way, I do like to “tap ass”. So when someone says “tapas” it pisses me off more because of the confusion.

You see, the whole concept of tapas baffles me. Someone once told me and I think it is a common belief that the word “tapas” means “little bits”. Well, according to Wikipedia, that’s bullshit because it is a word derived from the verb “tapar”, which means “to cover”. Well, I don’t know what the shit it’s covering because I’m still hungry. And to refer to them as little bits, which technically they are, just proves that they aren’t a very manly food. To be straightforward, if someone were to ask me, “You hungry, you want some little bits?” I’d quickly and angrily respond with, “Fuck no, I want a big ass piece of red meat and a goddamned bucket of whiskey or three!”

Tapas has become a big trend in American dining over the last several years. It’s a trend that came over from Spain, a country that enchants me on their soccer and wine fields. However, they seem to have lost sight of being respectable in the culinary arts. I’ve always been a fan of Spanish cuisine but the tapas thing makes me question my once loyal allegiance to one of the tastiest of European regions.

I mean, how did the Spaniards come up with this? Did the Conquistadors of yore pillage a village of midgets somewhere and thus, stole their tiny cuisine? Was there some sort of subculture we don’t know about where people pretended they were mice and ate little bits of food? Did some royal cook get killed for not putting a casserole together properly and then the king found out that he actually enjoyed all the little ingredients by themselves?

Additionally, who wants to eat a bunch of small food that is already cut up for you? I told my mum to give me the knife at 4 years-old because even as a child, I didn’t need mommy cutting up my steak into tiny bits. I was more of a man at four than these tapas eating adults today! When I see adults eating tapas, I see drooling toddlers carefully picking away at their tiny dinners. They might as well serve this shit on plastic Bob the Builder plates.

Let’s call tapas what it is, appetizers. Tapas is the Spaniard version of mozzarella sticks, jalapeño poppers, Southwest egg rolls, sliders, mini quiches and whatever else tiny piece of food one would eat because they’re hungry right now and the steak takes longer to cook.

Now the way Spain handles tapas, doesn’t offend me. They have them in bars, which people frequent after work. They are there to nibble on and enjoy because in Spain, people don’t eat dinner till after 9 o’clock. You see, tapas isn’t a meal, it is just an appetizer to hold you over until your meal is in your face.

In America, we’ve got it all fucked up. There are all these tapas restaurants and all the snooty white girls and their lapdog boyfriends have to frequent these culinary pits and dine on tapas – for dinner! Bitch, if all you’re eating for dinner is appetizers, you’re a special kind of stupid. You might as well just go sit at Applebee’s and keep ordering Potato Twisters for fifteen straight courses.

But I get it, with tapas you can order multiple things and “try” the food. Well, that’s all fine and dandy but that’s why I go to fucking Costco and at least there, the shit’s free! Also at Costco, I can buy the big version if I like something. Because what if, while trying all this stuff, you find something that makes you go, “Okay, right there! That’s the one!” Well, what do you do then? It’s an American tapas restaurant, can you simply order a 12 oz. portion of the fried goose liver with Pamplona glaze on a dainty little Melba Toast? No, you can’t. You can probably order a bunch of it as tapas but then the overly tanned white waiter who is pretending he is from Barcelona will just look at you like a pretentious douche because how dare you challenge the ancient discipline of tapas etiquette! The point is, why are you “trying” all the food if you can’t even order a decent portion of it? If you find the one thing you like, too bad, you just get a bite and are stuck munching on some other crap you don’t want.

My boss had a big company dinner about a year ago and he took us to this big tapas place in Las Vegas. Everyone raved about it and all the people who went were so excited to dine on tapas. We got there, I ate a bite of twenty different things and then it was over. I was still hungry and was like, “All this little shit is fine and dandy but where’s my goddamned entrée?” Nope, no entrée. Just a bunch of appetizers and a big check. Luckily, I didn’t have to pay for it. After I left this place that my boss described as “awesome”, I ditched my co-workers and hit up Del Taco. Why? Because tapas did not inspire “awe” and I was fucking hungry.

That was just one of several experiences I have had with tapas and after giving it a try a half dozen times or more, I’m just not impressed. Tapas places in the U.S. that at least offer actual entrées in addition to their fancy appetizers are at least considerate and doing it the right way. If an establishment only sells tapas, they’re bourgeoisie assholes that get off on starving while honoring trendiness over practicality.

Spain must laugh at us because I am. I mean, wouldn’t we in America laugh if some other country had some trend going where they opened thousands of restaurants only to serve fried pickles, kettle chips, tempura green beans and artichoke dip? And wouldn’t it be somewhat insulting if they referred to it as the pinnacle of American cuisine?

At the end of the day, do what you want, it’s your life. However, if you are some tapas connoisseur that values eating like a mouse toddler over eating like a full grown human being, you’re brain is about as big as the morsel on your coffee saucer dinner plate.

The Modern Sports Media Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Back in the day, I was an avid ESPN watcher. A morning before high school wasn’t complete without at least fifteen minutes of SportsCenter squeezed in. I also enjoyed the short-lived CNN SI, which was more straightforward with the sports news and less about entertainment.

The entertainment factor is probably why ESPN continued to dominate and CNN SI only made it a few years. Sure, CNN SI was fairly boring but it was about the news and not about cheap pops and a humor-driven shtick. Personally, I always loved ESPN’s format and style but somewhere along the line, it got distracted.

It isn’t just ESPN though, the largest sports shows, magazines and websites out there also got distracted. I’m not sure how it happened but over the last ten years or so, sports news became less about sports and more about gossip and bullshit. The modern sports media has become TMZ, the National Enquirer and Extra. ESPN has become E! for men.

I tune in because I want scores, highlights and stories about the sport. But I want it all and I don’t have a lot of time. What I get though, is two funny motherfuckers flying through highlights just so they can hurry and get to a ten minute segment about how Athlete A sent mean tweets to Athlete B. I shit you not, I forget which show I was watching but they once spent fifteen minutes discussing Tim Tebow being seen throwing a football into a garbage can. And don’t get me started on the scandals involving Tiger, Kobe or anyone else with a tricky dick. That’s all these ass clowns cared to talk about not just for weeks but for months. Hey assholes, there were games last night, I’d like a fucking recap, please! ESPN has become the Fox News or MSNBC of sports programming. It’s all opinion and bullshit from people who seemingly have about as much actual knowledge as a dog turd.

Now there are people on ESPN who know their shit but they are becoming few and far between and are generally overshadowed by the loudmouthed dickbags who have to shout and soak up all the airtime. Maybe I’ll make a list of the biggest dickbags on ESPN but that will be at a later date.

Moving past ESPN, we have the magazines and websites. Some of the leaders out there are Bleacher Report, SB Nation, DeadSpin, Sports Illustrated, NBC Sports, FanSided, Sporting News, Yahoo! Sports, Fox Sports and Rant Sports. There are many more but these seem to be the sites with the most traffic and biggest social media presence.

These magazines and websites take the whole TMZ aspect of sports media even further. I can’t tell you how many times per day I want to punch my monitor for displaying so much bullshit in my news feed. Let me list some recent headlines to paint a better picture:

“Joel Embiid’s pursuit of Kim Kardashian via Twitter hasn’t stopped now that he learned she’s married”
“Cardinals Fan Drops Beer On Fans Below”
“A Bride Whose Father Passed Away Walks Down the Aisle with Miami Hurricanes Mascot”
“Rob Ryan Carrying 3 Pizzas and a Stuffed Animal in Airport”
“Pouty Husband Sends Wife Spreadsheet Detailing Sex-Life Dissatisfaction”
“Derek Holland And The Rangers Play A Game Called “Fart Bottle Roulette””
“Tiger Woods is cursing, throwing clubs, and ready to leave the British Open”
“Finding the best 1980’s NFL quarterback based on rap lyrics”
“Zach McAllister Channels His Inner Carly Rae Jepsen on Extremely Wild Pitch”
“Joel Embiid Is Really Good At Twitter – Let’s Not Ruin This”
“Tour de France rider has diarrhea, uses fan’s roadside RV”
“Here’s a giant, inflatable colon outside a Triple A ballpark”
“What Are New York City’s Most Popular Dog Names?”
“Kentucky man gets arrested, orders 5 pizzas to police station”
“Dwyane Wade replaces LeBron James with this alley-ooping dolphin”

Jesus, some of those don’t even have anything to do with sports.

Anyway, this is the type of shit sports sites are promoting and putting out. Real sports news is secondary. Maybe it’s because no one really cares anymore about sports. Yes, they watch them and they buy the merchandise and go to games but people seem to be more into the celebrity aspect of sports. And if it isn’t that, they’re so focused on fantasy sports that they aren’t fans of the game in the same way they used to be. Also, with a lot more women becoming sports fans in the last few decades, some of this stuff has to cater to what they want. Since, tabloids and TMZ are generally absorbed by women, sports media jumps on that bandwagon.

Expanding their product to fit a larger demographic, many sports media outlets have become these gossipy bullshit beasts. I’m sorry but I want good sports journalism and coverage, not gossip and fashion posts. On television I want highlights and insight, not assholes screaming over one another about whether or not gays belong in sports – they do. I also don’t need a bunch of dickbags telling me that I don’t understand x, y and z because I’ve never been in a locker room and experienced that culture. Fuck you, I’ve been in a locker room and fuck you, your bullshit argument holds no weight. Frankly, I’m just tired of know-it-all motherfuckers who really don’t know shit. They get paid to waste my time and would be better suited hosting Entertainment Tonight. An epileptic cat that only understands French could give better analysis and insight than most of these clowns.

Men today seem to be eating this shit up. The pussification and emasculation of the American male has crossed over into the sports world and they don’t seem to notice. Yes, I have friends I’ve talked to who see these trends and, like me, have pretty much stopped watching this nonsense. The problem though, is that there aren’t alternatives, as this sports tabloid programming has now become the norm. We’re basically forced to watch it or nothing at all.

Man the fuck up, sports media.

That Alpha Male Stuff Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Many men seem to subscribe to this bullshit ideal that there are alpha males among us. Many envision themselves as the alpha male and thus, adopt the traits and qualities that they think they’re supposed to exude as a pack leader. Many women buy into and perpetuate this myth, only uncrossing their legs for the alpha badass. I’m not sure how this myth has existed for so long amongst human beings but it has. In fact, I believed it until recently, only because I guess I never really questioned it and took the rhetoric for face value. I also never really put much thought into it until coming across several guys taking this shit to heart a little too much.

To start, the whole ideal that there are alpha males in wolf packs was old shitty science. In the last several decades, this has been debunked, as scientists have learned that this classification was incorrect. More studies in wolves and their behavior has led to the realization that wolf packs or families pretty much exist like human families: the male impregnates a female, the female has babies and mom and dad are the natural boss – each fulfilling specific pack roles. Internationally recognized wolf expert, Dr. David L. Mech, who wrote one of the most famous books on alpha wolves in 1970, even debunks the bad alpha male science (see here).

Even if new science didn’t debunk previous beliefs in animal behavior, why would people want to resort to what they claim is their animalistic tendencies? We are the rulers of the planet because we have evolved past being primal beasts biting each others’ faces off and taking whatever pretty polly we see fit for the taking. If you’re claiming to embrace your animal side, are you also going to live naked in caves and eat small woodland creatures you kill with your teeth? If you’re a hardcore fucking alpha male, embrace the whole thing! Don’t cherry pick like a beta bitch!

So why do so many guys embrace this and so many women buy into it?

It’s a marketing gimmick by that pick-up artist crowd to sell books and programs. Yes I kind of blasted those guys last week but I’m really not done. In regards to this alpha bullshit, they sell themselves as these alpha badasses to their “beta” audience in an effort to make money and sell a scam based on bad science and the dynamics of a totally different mammalian species. If they are alphas in that they prey on the weak, then they are correct. However, preying on the gullible and desperate isn’t badass, it’s kind of sad and it also pisses me off. The high school jock who backfists the handicapped kid for his lunch money isn’t an alpha anything, he’s just a douchebag asshole.

What happens here, is that men who are bad at attracting women or not successful in other areas, latch on to other guys who seem like they got their shit together. Pick-up artists selling their secret and mysterious formulas move in and the desperate dudes who need real advice and direction buy the shit up like hotcakes. In the end, most of them still never succeed. But enough with rehashing points from my last article on the subject of pick-up artists.

The thing is, they are buying bad advice from charlatans. The alpha male thing is bullshit in the wild and it is certainly bullshit in humans. Yes, there are guys who are better at certain skills than others but there’s a trade off there. I’m really good at graphic design and writing but I suck at carpentry. Does my cousin who is an awesome carpenter, have more alpha juice than me with his skill? Or do I have more alpha juice than him because I am a better graphic designer and writer? Picking up women is just another skill set. It doesn’t make you alpha anything or better than someone else.

Does bullying weaker dudes to do your bidding make you an alpha male? No, you’re just a bully and a dick. The guys getting bullied aren’t beta males either, they’re just victims if they put up with your shit. Frankly, they should punch you in the face. Perceiving them as betas is bullshit because there will certainly be some skill that they are more versed in than the self-proclaimed alpha bully.

Now one could be quantifying certain skills as alpha skills and others as not. That’s just semantics and asinine. If one were to make a list of multiple alpha skills, no one would be good at all of it. Additionally, none of us would all agree on what is an alpha skill and what isn’t, it’s all subjective. But lets say we can come up with a list that everyone agrees upon. Some guys will excel at certain things and fall short in others. All of our results would be different. Some would be good at macking on chicks, others would be good at weightlifting, some would be good at racing cars, others would be good at building nunchucks.

This alpha male crap only exists because too many men have fallen victim to the ideal. If you buy into this bullshit societal framework or hierarchy of masculinity, you are feeding the machine. You’re giving the dudes selling you on this shit, more fuel to be the alpha shitcocks that they are, as you bow to their words and lessons like the obedient beta bitch persona they’ve created for you. While trying to learn your way out of something that didn’t exist in the first place, you are only reinforcing its hold on you.

You may not be the best at getting chicks but you’re probably the best at something else. I get it though, you want the pussy but life isn’t fair. I’m not saying this to beat you down or to make you just give up the fight and the effort. I’m saying this because if you buy into this alpha male garbage, you need to hear it. There is no magic pill I have to fix your situation. There is no magic pill, period.

What you need to do, as hard as it may be, is to get out there and try. Talking to women is hard, I get it. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Rejection also sucks but it will happen, even to the greatest overly charismatic alpha male pick-up artists out there. It goes back to the old adage that you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Well, you have to break the eggs.

And maybe learn how to fight if you don’t know how. Because if someone wants to start some shit, you should stand up for yourself and kick their cock up into their throat.

DiGiorno Design-A-Pizza Kit Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Let me start by saying that I do like DiGorno’s pizza. This isn’t a knock against their quality and what they produce in general, which is one of the best frozen pizzas on the market.

Recently though, they’ve come out with this “Design-A-Pizza Kit”. C’mon, man? Really?

This is a product that takes financial advantage of the complete idiot. Reason being, it is pointless and stupid. If you buy this, you have no imagination and are buying into some marketing ploy to make frozen pizzas more interesting. Fuck that, it’s a goddamned frozen pizza! How interesting can it be?

And by financial advantage, I mean that this thing costs extra. Yeah, it costs extra to put your own toppings on a pizza. Fuck that! You want to charge me more money, you better not be a lazy ass and you better put the damn toppings on! Why am I paying DiGiorno more money for me to do extra work? It’s like some sort of socialist welfare system where I’m paying these deadbeats out of my own pocket not to work.

Rewinding back a bit, yes, I attacked the imaginations of those who would purchase this. Why? Well because they apparently didn’t have the foresight and creativity to realize that every frozen pizza they have ever bought is essentially a “Design-A-Pizza Kit”.

You see, every frozen pizza comes with its toppings already on top of it. Sure, they don’t come in organized little pouches to make you feel special but ultimately, you can take the toppings on your frozen pizza and rearrange them (or remove them). They aren’t glued to the fucking cheese. No! You can physically move the pepperoni, sausage and veggies around however the hell you want. Why do I know this? Because I’ve done it. I guess that makes me the most creative frozen pizza-eating motherfucker in America. I’ll take that distinction and title with some serious pride.

There was one time when my ex-girlfriend was all like, “What the fuck? I don’t want meat pizza?!” So I took all the meat off of her half and added it to my half and that was that. She got what she wanted, which didn’t prevent her from still being a whiny bitch, and I got double meat plus other toppings. We both won, other than her attitude – her attitude was a loser.

The ads for this pizza just irritate me. A bunch of “hip” younger motherfuckers making smiley face pizzas with minimal toppings. Why would I want some bullshit smiley pizza? The assholes in the commercial wasted like 95 percent of the toppings. This is just some pretentious hipster pizza.

Really though, all irate ranting aside, how stupid is this?

I guess if you have kids and shit, it can be entertaining and whatnot. But seriously, if you want your kids to have a cool pizza-making experience, make that son of a bitch from scratch. When my mum was like, “Hey you wanna make a pizza pie?” and six year-old Rob was like, “Hells yeah!” my mum made some damn dough, rolled that shit out, tossed it around like some uncooked bread frisbee, hand cut all the toppings, made the sauce from scratch, shredded the cheese and then had me put it all together like some badass Italian Frankenstein’s monster that we could eat! It was a great experience and certainly way better than if she had pulled out DiGiorno’s “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and told me to just open the boring ass pouches and drop the boring ass contents on a boring ass frozen pizza.

Maybe I am overreacting here and reading way too much into this, making a big deal about something trivial and unimportant?

No, fuck that! This is a pretty asinine product and when I see people buying it, I will immediately know that they are escaped mental patients trying to blend in to society. You’re not fooling me you crazy bastard! I see your “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and I know that you’re an insane person!

This product just makes no sense to me. If it makes sense to you, you make no sense to me. That’s it.

Axe Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

There is an epidemic going on in America. Come to think of it, as far as I know, it could be crossing over our borders and seeping into the rest of the world. An epidemic of monolithic proportions that is rewriting human history and destroying our future.

While people worry about climate change, rising seas, nuclear meltdowns, oil spills, radioactive tsunamis, alien invasion, kaiju attacks, zombies and haunted VHS tapes, there is a much bigger and more sinister threat that must be dealt with. Something that is comprised of pure evil, which needs immediate attention because in all actuality, it is probably already too late to stop it. The threat I am talking about is Axe body spray.

Interestingly, Axe isn’t even made in America. It comes from the British-Dutch company Unilever, who make food, beverages, cleaning agents and other personal care products. In the UK, Axe exists under the brand name of Lynx. In America it is called Axe because it is actually an acronym that means “America X-terminated Exactingly”. The acronym is of course not publicly disclosed and just adds to the mystique of this evil anti-American conspiracy. The thing is, we are America, we are the best and the rest of the world is mad because they want to win their fair share of blue ribbons. Sorry world, America wins. It is also believed that it is a half-British company who manufactures this because they still harbor a lot of animosity and anger after losing the Revolutionary War over two-hundred years ago.

Men, teens and young boys need to stop buying this stuff – especially men. Their ads sell you on the idea that if you drench yourself in this toxic waste, supermodel bitches will chase you down in an attempt to take your seed. Somehow this magic spray has some mystical element that turns women into lust-driven hyenas that will stop at nothing to tie you down and smother you to death with primal sex moves. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have yet to meet a woman that has turned into a slut zombie by whiffing this stuff. The results I’ve seen have actually been the opposite. I can’t tell you how many sad saps I’ve seen walk into a bar saturated in Axe body spray in an attempt to stir up a maniacal orgy only to have the women flee to the other end of the bar: huddled up and giggling at the poor idiot.

The truth behind this stuff is eerie, as they are convincing dudes to buy it like it’s sexual crack rock when in fact it is a lie created to implement population control. If guys think it works, they put it on. When women flee, men can’t have sex with them and thus population is controlled, as babies can’t be made. It’s a pretty fucked up situation but with America out of the way, the British Empire can move back in and start taxing the crap out of our tea. I’m not completely sure why they’re selling it to their own people though, other than it is usually bought by people on the lower end of the social and economic scales and thus, the Royal Family can flush out all the poor people and have more money to buy jewels and scepters.

Regardless of whether or not you believe in crazy conspiracy theories doesn’t really matter. The proof is in the pudding and the proof is that Axe will do the exact opposite of getting you laid. Also, it is probably made with Smile-X and may turn you into some Jack Nicholson-looking Joker person. Plus the packaging looks like an energy drink; do you want to dump energy drink all over your body?

Man up and buy some goddamned cologne. Even cheap real cologne from CVS is better than this aerosol gamma radiation.

Zubaz Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Zubaz. God, just the name of these atrocious pants sends a tsunami-like wave of horror and nausea down my spine. Born in the late ’80s and popularized in the early ’90s, these ugly, baggy, zebra vomit covered polyester/cotton blended abominations have been in my nightmares since I first saw some idiot in my middle school walking around the cafeteria in them. They’re worse than a fucking eyesore and have been known to induce migraines and instantaneous diarrhea in those with just little-to-moderate fashion sense. There is nothing good that has ever come from these fluorescent parachute faux animal pelts.

To give a bit of history on these awful things, they were invented by the mega-successful wrestling tag team the Road Warriors a.k.a. the Legion of Doom. For those who don’t know or remember, these were the big meathead guys who ran around with mohawks and spiked football pads. While quite alpha and intimidating in their appearance, they probably shouldn’t be designing fashion for the general public. In doing so, they have created the worst fashion statement possible in an era that can only be described as the worst fashion era in the history of the world.

Go back to the late ’80s and early ’90s and check out what people were wearing. Look at the bullshit that was the most popular: Hypercolor t-shirts, Baja hoodies, Z. Cavariccis, Skidz, No Fear shirts, overalls with one strap down, Cross Colours gear, hip-hop Looney Toons shirts, Starter jackets, Mossimo shit, Stüssy shit, patterned vests over t-shirts, Blossom hats, sweaters as hip-warmers, Bugle Boy, denim button down shirts, the list goes on and on. However, if you put all that shit in a big cauldron and mix them into a big horrible fashion stew, they still wouldn’t be as bad as Zubaz.

Zubaz were designed by big meathead guys with no fashion sense for other big meathead guys with no fashion sense, all in an effort to give them fashion sense while still feeling alpha badass and cool. Well, from a fashion stance they failed… miserably.

That doesn’t mean that dude brahs all over didn’t rush out and buy these things like they were a guaranteed golden ticket to alpha eliteness. These horrible pants were hugely successful as far as sales go but then, so is Nickleback. Despite looking like a Tiger Force G.I. Joe toy, gym rats and middle school boys had to have them and couldn’t get enough.

In fact, Zubaz started producing pants in every sports team color combination available. When that wasn’t enough, they evolved from zebra and tiger stripes to even more atrocious designs. Within a few short years, males and even females were walking around with puffy pants that looked like magic eye posters (another horrible ’90s cultural turd).

Luckily, Zubaz died out not too long after they peaked and were washed away like other fashion disasters from that era. All was fine with the world and I was sure that I’d never have to see them again. Then some sort of weird resurgence happened. Sports teams started resurrecting them and had Zubaz nights. Even my beloved Chicago Cubs had a night last season celebrating these horrible fucking pants. The Cubs even gave them away! What the fuck is wrong with the world?

I’d like to state that I feel like the resurrection of Zubaz in sports is a curse to those who buy into it. In 2008, independent baseball team the St. Paul Saints wore Zubaz during a game. They were shutout by the Sioux City Explorers. The Russian curling team wore Zubaz in the 2014 Winter Olympics. They finished 7th out of 10 with a record of 3-6. This year the Detroit Tigers were dominating the American League, then they wore not just Zubaz pants but Zubaz jackets. They are now in 5th place overall in the AL and 2nd in their division behind the Kansas City Royals. Going back to last year’s Cubs team, they weren’t great when they celebrated Zubaz night but they were improving. As soon as they gave Zubaz away at Wrigley Field, the Cubs plummeted for the remainder of the season. The proof is in the pudding and sports teams should steer clear of the Zubaz Curse.

I hope that this Zubaz resurgence stays small and quickly fades away. I don’t need my favorite athletes looking like cougars wearing leopard print hoochie dresses out on the prowl for young meat. Essentially, that is what Zubaz are. They don’t make a man look tough and badass, they make him look like a sloppy man cougar who doesn’t understand fashion expiration dates. Besides that, no one has ever said, “Damn, that motherfucker looks sexy in his Zubaz.” And no one ever will.